My Boyfriend Almost Fathered a Lesbian Couple's Baby?!?

Dear Dan:

I'm writing in celebration of the California decision to allow gays to marry. I'm thrilled—I've always thought that the idea that gay marriage could hurt or affect straight people in any way was ridiculous. But a year ago, I found out I was wrong. I'm a straight woman in my late twenties dating "the one," by which I mean the man whom I'd be happy to wind up married to. We've been dating about two years, very happily, but one year into the relationship he told me—he didn't ask—that he was going to be the sperm donor for a lesbian couple. I had an immediate, visceral, physical reaction to the idea of another woman bearing his child. That's an experience I hope to have with him!

What shocked me was the range of my friends' reactions. My gay friends and my boyfriend insisted that it was "none of my business"! They accused me of being selfish and called me a homophobe! My straight friends, female and male, agreed that doing this without my consent was outrageous!

Ultimately, he didn't do it, but this conflict very nearly ended our relationship. So, I think we straights and you gays have to talk about this question: If gays have a right to marriage and family, do they also have a right to start those families with my boyfriend—no matter what I think and feel about it? Wouldn't it, at the very least, only be polite to ask the girlfriend or wife for her consent and blessing, too?

Questions About Gay Marriage

So, QAGM, you're thrilled that gay people won the right to marry in California, even though you realized a year before gay marriage was legalized in California that you had been wrong to support marriage equality, because it would lead gay people to believe that we have a right to your boyfriend's spunk—the position that the lesbian couple and all your gay friends arrived at before gay marriage was legalized in California.

What the fuck are you talking about, lady?I've read the Supreme Court of California's decision legalizing gay marriage—all 140 pages of it, twice, QAGM—and I can assure you: There's not one word in it about your boyfriend's spunk. The gay-marriage decision and your boyfriend's aborted decision to serve as sperm donor for this lesbian couple have nothing whatsoever to do with each other, and your efforts to link them only make you look like a nutcase.And that's a shame, QAGM, because you're actually in the right.

Setting aside the legit mystical crap—the fact that most breeders regard having children by their spouses as the ultimate expression of their magical heterosexual love—you had every right to object to your boyfriend fathering a child by these women. Was he planning to be involved in the life of this child? If so, the time spent with this child would have taken time away from whatever children you might have together. And what sort of relationship did he imagine this child would have had with your children? Could he have wound up on the hook for child support, which would've affected you financially, too? And what if this lesbian couple had died in a car wreck after this child had been born? Would the child then come to live with you?

The fact that he didn't involve you—and still doesn't think he needed to—should make you think twice about marrying him. And finally, QAGM, a question: When you say you had an "immediate, visceral, physical reaction," does that mean you threw a punch? If you did, a word to your boyfriend, if he's reading this: DTMFA.

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Dear Dan:

A few months before I graduated, a friend revealed that she had been lusting after me and wanted to hook up. The trouble was that she's in a long-term relationship. She didn't see this as a problem, but I didn't want to be a part of that and turned her down. She then played some silly games and convinced me to kiss her when I was drunk, and later flat-out propositioned me (again while I was drunk), and I refused again. Then we graduated and moved hundreds of miles away from each other, which I expected would be the end of it.

Now, though, a month later, she wrote to tell me that she's "not over" me. Was I right to turn her down? Should I let her boyfriend know about any of this?Not An Adultery Helper

Can we please—all of us—resist the urge to define adultery down? To commit adultery, a person has to be married—not just dating or going steady or even engaged. This girl, if you fuck her, may be a lying, cheating sack of shit, and you may be a cad, but she won't be an adulteress, NAAH. She can't be one until after she's married.

Now, clearly, you want to sleep with this woman—why write to me otherwise?—and you're probably hoping I'll say that you were wrong to turn her down. But were you? Well, that depends on why she's pursuing you, NAAH. Perhaps she wants to cheat before she marries—i.e., before sleeping with someone else rises to the level of adultery—because she wants to live a little first. Perhaps she wants to make sure before marriage that the sex she's getting from the boyfriend is as good as or better than the sex she'd get elsewhere. Or perhaps she wants to fuck you because she's a skanky, skanky whore. Perhaps you should ask her.

One final thought: If sleeping with you convinces this woman that she could never truly be satisfied with her boyfriend and she ends that relationship before she marries him, you will not only have gotten into the pants of a woman you find attractive, NAAH, but you'll have done your bit toward bringing down our divorce rates.

Dear Dan: